The importance of zippers

Pre-Lyme the most important zipper in my life was the one that kept my mouth shut.  I may be a bit of a smart ass, and sometimes sarcastic...

Today, a new zipper was important.  Twice a week I give myself B-12 injections into my thigh.  Every now and again I hit a small vein and have blood spurt out.  Today was one of those days.  Whenever that happens my leg is quite sore, making walking difficult.

As I hobbled up the stairs to work I greeted the students for the last time.  We had our moment of witty banter, and then I plopped down in my desk chair.  I was instantly reminded of why I hadn't worn these pants in months.  The zipper is busted.  You can zip it up and zip it down but regardless your fly is open.

Happy last day, and here is to going onto disability with style.

Control, independence, and other relationship hindering characteristics

Every character trait is subject to the eye of the beholder: laid back or lazy, planner or anal, kind or nieve.  The hope is we find a beholder that sees the positive side of our traits.

In an effort to convey how sick I was my doctor told me, 'One thing - you get to do one thing a day'.  It has taken me 2 months to finally accept that until I only do 'one thing' I will not get better.  Initially I figured that the 'one thing' was cleaning my apartment, verses doing the dishes.

As I have gotten sicker I am now realizing that my 'one thing' is really 'one thing'.  If I do my dishes that is it for me for the day.  I haven't gone to the grocery store in over a month.  I haven't cooked any meals that can't be made in the span of 3 minutes.  Chopping up fruit for a smoothie was abandoned about a month ago.

If I can only do one thing a day that means there are a ton of daily life items that I can't do.  I'm not a 'can't do' gal myself.  Lyme disease for a gal like myself is the bitch slap heard round the world.

It didn't take a disease for me to realize I am horrible at asking for help.  Nor did I need to get sick to realize I am independent and like to control situations.  I am a trained social worker - and a good one at that.  I know these things about myself, and have a list of ex-boyfriends for reference.  I am not a damsel in distress. When I get knocked down I pick myself up.  This isn't my first dance at the 'life sucks' rodeo.  I am a platinum member at the school of hard knocks.

But Lyme disease doesn't let me be me.  I can't take care of myself anymore.  I am no longer physically able to live by myself.  I have begun losing weight because I just can't cook myself food.  My apartment is beginning to have a distinct odor.  And my personal appearance is beginning to take a hit.

Tomorrow is my final day of work.  I had to pause for a few minutes after typing that.  It is one of many signs that I have to put my independence on the shelf.  I can't control this situation, but I can trust that one day in the near future I will get my independence back.  And it's gonna be one hell of a party.

Lyme Disease the Constant Hangover

You had an epic evening.  You put together a new outfit, you drank, you danced, you threw things, you drank, you wore sexy impractical shoes, you drank more, you ate Jumbo Slice, you drank, and then you slept in your clothes.  Epic.

Then you wake up the next morning.  You can't lift your head from the pillow.  The idea of food makes you worship the porcelain gods.  Drinking water seems as difficult as solving peace in the Middle East. Your day is now consumed by hydration, force feeding toast, and laying on the couch.  Loud noises make you want to die.  Your entire body aches, as you vow to never again drop it like its hot.  Each time you stand up you are overcome with dizziness and nausea.  You are now unable to do anything productive.

Lyme disease is the worst hangover of your life without any of the fun parts.  No dancing on tables.  No sexy shoes.  No pizza.  No staying out till 4am having the time of your life with friends.  Yet the next day and every day after that....all the consequences.

For those of you that this post gave weekend flashbacks I am sorry, but Lyme isn't well understood.  Hangovers are.

What I wouldn't give to be able to eat a piece of pizza.....

How My Hair Landed Me In The ER

I have never been good in heat, which is why I stay out of the kitchen.  However, Lyme disease has taken this trait to new heights.  In February my ability to stand up became compromised.  You know when you stand up too fast and things go blurry?  That began happening to me each time I stood up.  By mid-February about 5-10 times a day everything would go black, followed by seeing spots.  Once heat entered this equation staying upright became a challenge.

Once I started treatment showers quickly became problematic.  Lyme is sensitive to heat.  Meaning that the Lyme comes out of hiding when the body is heated to a certain temp.  Suffice it to say, when the Lyme comes out I go down.

My mom had come out for my first few days of treatment to help me get prepped for this battle.  She left Monday morning at 6am.  Monday at 6pm I took a shower.  I started to feel sick so I got out of the shower to get some water.  Then I woke up on floor, my head pounding, my heart racing, and 5-20 minutes of my life unaccounted for.  After some detective work I deduced I hit my head on a granite counter top and possibly a chair, and was out for about 5-10 minutes.  The doctor told me I had to go to the ER for a CT since I am on a high level of blood thinners, and because I'm not actually a detective.

One night in the ER and a clear CT later I was told that I need to stay lower to the ground.

I had long hair.  Long hair takes a while to wash.  Short hair takes less time.  Faster is better.  I now have short hair, yet the same amount of sass.

Dry Heaving

Most of us don't know what type of sick people we will be until we are sick.  I, on the other hand knew damn well what type of sick person I would be.  I don't mean the person I am around others or at work.  Rather, I mean the sick person I am alone or around family.  I am painstakingly aware of how pathetic I become when I am sick.

I first got sick with Lyme the same day that my new group of interns started.  I had gone to the gym then biked into work.  As I drank my fruit smoothie I started to get a headache.  I don't get headaches.  Within 10minutes I was on my hands and knees crawling to a trash can to puke.  As my co-worker was holding my hair back the receptionist walked in to tell me my interns were in the lobby. I asked for a piece of gum.  Straightened my dress.  Stopped by the bathroom to drop off my puke bucket, and then walked into the lobby and welcomed the interns.

Despite having to lay under my desk for 30 minutes and my Executive Director getting me soup I think I held it together quite well.  For this Thursday Throwback here is the type of sick person I am at heart. *Apologies - I drop the F bomb twice, and don't know how to bleep it out.  Sincerely, Sailor Sadie*

Needles for dummies

Before I knew the Lyme was back I had decided to do a 21-day vegan challenge.  A friend thought this challenge would make for good t.v and asked me to document my journey.  The 'Vegan Files' led right into the 'Lyme Files'.  

When the time came for me to give myself my first shot I decided to channel my inner Rocky.  Pick a theme song: Hit Me With Your Best Shot.  Turn on the video camera, and jam a needle into my stomach.  To reassure you, I have since streamlined this process. 

Toes

Lyme disease rears its ugly head in many different ways.  One of the most annoying/gross ways for me is what it does to my toes.  I am on quite the dose of blood thinners to improve my circulation, apparently Lyme disease has caused my blood to be thick.  At least 5 times a day my toes swell and turn multi-color as seen here, and yes I do see the irony in my nail color choice.

For the first month of treatment weird things would happen to my body.  Some went away and some stuck around.  But these damn nasty ass toes just don't seem to want to leave me.

Why am I grossing everyone out you may ask?  I found a solution!  So to all of you with Lyme disease who were hanging your feet in shame - get a pedicure!  Some of you who know me well may think this is just a ploy since I love my mani/pedi time.  But there is science behind this.  The best way to kill Lyme is heat.  This is problematic for me since every time I am in heat I pass out.  However, a pedicure is localized heat and massage to get the blood flowing and kill the Lyme.  The hot stones, warm foot bath, and sugar scrub are my solution.

Simply look at the difference:

My toes will be gross again tomorrow, but the reprieve from the gross and the pain is well worth the cost.  More accurately - thanks for the gift card mom :)