How do you learn to re-trust your brain?

I took a deep breath, folded my sweaty palms, and sat in silence as she read.  It had been a few years since I had written a paper and I was feeling very self-conscience.  She looked across the desk and told me to stop being ridiculous.  She told me what I deep down hoped for and knew.  I was a good writer.

A normal person would have been okay with that.  I on the other hand, waited in front of the Dean's office to ask him what he thought about my paper.  He was put off because he had already graded it and given me a 100%.  Listen, I have graded papers.  I know sometimes it is late at night, you had a few cocktails, and you just want grading to be over.  On the other hand it makes a great reason to end a date early.  They think you are the most dedicated teacher and you get to catch the end of Parenthood.

So the Dean.  He told me I was a great writer.

You may be wondering if I am so cocky that I write blogs about others saying how great I am.  I am not.  Rather, for you to understand what I am about to say you must understand how I operated pre-Lyme.  Normal non-Lyme Sadie needed a bit of affirmation for a new undertaking.  I am all about trying new things and projects.  But I want someone to tell me if I am on the right track for what they are looking for.  Lack of this only breeds inefficiency.  And since I'm not a Republican Representative I prefer not to be inefficient and waste time and money.

For the past 9 months my brain has been shaky.  Slurred speech, which we all wish was from a lil too much red wine.  More specifically that Fifty Shades of Grey wine.  Trouble recalling information and focusing on a conversation.  The 'brain fog', as it is termed in the Lyme community, is this constant haze making it difficult to focus or understand.

Now that I am feeling better I have a very foreign task: how do I learn to trust my brain, again?  For so many months I wasn't sure of anything.  Now I need to get back to being sure.  Its time for me to take the leap that I am getting better, and stop being afraid that all the Lyme will come back.  Because here is the thing: all the Lyme just may come back. In 8 days I will have my Hickman removed.  I will then go on oral antibiotics.  Most importantly I will be able to take a shower and wash my own hair.

People always say, 'Live for today.'  Great.  But my name is Sadie and I am a planner.  I am a worker bee.  My version of living for today is to have a job I love.  My version of living for today is riding my bike.  My version of living for today is being in a city.  My version of living for today is spending time with friends I love.  For me to live for today means looking for a job again, making moves, spreading my slightly bent wings, and trying to fly.  Maybe I will crash.  Maybe I will have an awful reaction to stopping the IV.  But maybe I won't.  And as my girl Katniss knows all too well.  Sometimes you leap and hope that the saying is true: May the odds be ever in your favor!