I always knew deep down that my brain is perfect. Now I have a very costly test to back me up. That's right folks I got the all clear on my EKG and MRI!
Maybe now they will acknowledge the possibility of Lyme Disease.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
We are never ever getting back together....Jewish Hospital
I began with the EKG. Just in case you haven't had the pleasure of having one I thought I would paint a picture. You have to take everything off from the waist up. You then lay on your left side with your left arm under your head.
You put on a hospital gown that opens in the front. Which is a minor way to make you feel like you aren't topless and facing a stranger. This picture of George is all I could think about the entire time.
Fifteen minutes in there was a knock on the door. A small man poked his head in to enquire about a missing test result. My technician then laughs and says, 'These crazy computers, I can't tell you how many of my test results get lost.'
Awesome.
She then went on to tell me that she too gets out of breath when walking up stairs as well. Homeslice has 100 pounds and 20 years on me. I think we may have different problems. Followed that winner up with - I am sure there is nothing wrong with you. You lived in a rainy place, I am sure this is all allergies. You should move somewhere warmer.
My father may call me a liberal elitest. But Lyme disease isn't an allergy.
I totally aced the MRI. The point where they rolled me half way out, stuck a needle in my arm, and injected me with dye was a bit dicey, but I hung in there. I chose country music. Worked out great for the first song. A little diddy about sitten in the sand and haven a beer in Mexico. But it went downhill fast. A song about how thankful someone is for unanswered prayers isn't what a gal wants to hear when getting a test to figure out why she can't function.
Test results to come!
You put on a hospital gown that opens in the front. Which is a minor way to make you feel like you aren't topless and facing a stranger. This picture of George is all I could think about the entire time.
Fifteen minutes in there was a knock on the door. A small man poked his head in to enquire about a missing test result. My technician then laughs and says, 'These crazy computers, I can't tell you how many of my test results get lost.'
Awesome.
She then went on to tell me that she too gets out of breath when walking up stairs as well. Homeslice has 100 pounds and 20 years on me. I think we may have different problems. Followed that winner up with - I am sure there is nothing wrong with you. You lived in a rainy place, I am sure this is all allergies. You should move somewhere warmer.
My father may call me a liberal elitest. But Lyme disease isn't an allergy.
I totally aced the MRI. The point where they rolled me half way out, stuck a needle in my arm, and injected me with dye was a bit dicey, but I hung in there. I chose country music. Worked out great for the first song. A little diddy about sitten in the sand and haven a beer in Mexico. But it went downhill fast. A song about how thankful someone is for unanswered prayers isn't what a gal wants to hear when getting a test to figure out why she can't function.
Test results to come!
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
First Impressions and why being a stubborn asshole will save my life
At work I would talk to students about the need to make a good first impression. Firm handshake. Well spoken. Well dressed. I thought I had these things down. I love networking, meeting new people, and taking on new tasks. Then I got an email.
Siam and I worked together in LA. He was in a different building than I, but we occasionally worked together. You know those late nights doing things like the Homeless Count. He seemed funny to me. We didn't stay in touch after I moved across the country (again). Then we connected on Facebook. Shared political jokes. He has a fantastic blog I follow.
A few weeks ago he sent me an email. He was going to write about Lyme and I on his blog. He included his first impression of me:
"I didn't get to know Sadie very well but I remember she first came off as a bland and efficient sort of person, but as I got to know her a bit better I could tell that my first impression was wrong and that she was smart and interesting, and possibly annoying."
Guess we all have work to do on our first impressions.....
Siam is a great writer and explores multiple topics, verses just one disease. I especially love his travel reviews. He has quite a way with words, which is why I re-read his Lyme post today. His last line sums it up best (reading his post may help with context):
"Just being a deep down stubborn asshole was enough to get Trapper through in the end. So that's all it takes. Sadie, I know you have that in you."
People tell me all the time to keep positive. Surprisingly, I have done that much more than I expected. Yet, positivity every day seems unnatural. It seems like sweeping real feelings and thoughts under the rug verses owning them.
The past few days have been rough. Sunday was the worst and I didn't move from my couch or bed. I couldn't eat anything. I was in constant pain and struggled to even answer my parents basic questions. Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital for scary tests. Being positive doesn't work on days like this. But being a stubborn asshole will always work for me. So thanks Siam.
Siam and I worked together in LA. He was in a different building than I, but we occasionally worked together. You know those late nights doing things like the Homeless Count. He seemed funny to me. We didn't stay in touch after I moved across the country (again). Then we connected on Facebook. Shared political jokes. He has a fantastic blog I follow.
A few weeks ago he sent me an email. He was going to write about Lyme and I on his blog. He included his first impression of me:
"I didn't get to know Sadie very well but I remember she first came off as a bland and efficient sort of person, but as I got to know her a bit better I could tell that my first impression was wrong and that she was smart and interesting, and possibly annoying."
Guess we all have work to do on our first impressions.....
Siam is a great writer and explores multiple topics, verses just one disease. I especially love his travel reviews. He has quite a way with words, which is why I re-read his Lyme post today. His last line sums it up best (reading his post may help with context):
"Just being a deep down stubborn asshole was enough to get Trapper through in the end. So that's all it takes. Sadie, I know you have that in you."
People tell me all the time to keep positive. Surprisingly, I have done that much more than I expected. Yet, positivity every day seems unnatural. It seems like sweeping real feelings and thoughts under the rug verses owning them.
The past few days have been rough. Sunday was the worst and I didn't move from my couch or bed. I couldn't eat anything. I was in constant pain and struggled to even answer my parents basic questions. Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital for scary tests. Being positive doesn't work on days like this. But being a stubborn asshole will always work for me. So thanks Siam.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Hey thanks
On this weekend of thanking the wonderful women and men for their service. See how I flipped men and women there? Feminism. I am reminded of the importance of thanking those that have helped us get to where we are.
I am very thankful for the freedom I have in writing and expressing my thoughts with out fear of being beaten or jailed. Cough cough Zimbabwe. Thanks to those who put their lives in danger to protect that.
When I was old enough to know better, but didn't, my aunt made me a quilt. It was gorgeous and must have taken a long time. I never sent her a thank you card. As Stefanie Tanner would say, 'how rude'.
I would like to think that since then, I have been much better. Well, until now. I figure that if people who get married have a year to send thank you cards, a disease buys me at least have 6 months.
Thanks to those of you who have sent presents, cards, and love. They mean the world to me. You make my Lyme sky blue. And I promise those thank you cards will get to you one day soon.
Heading in for an MRI and EKG this week. Like how I just casually drop that at the end? Me too.
I am very thankful for the freedom I have in writing and expressing my thoughts with out fear of being beaten or jailed. Cough cough Zimbabwe. Thanks to those who put their lives in danger to protect that.
When I was old enough to know better, but didn't, my aunt made me a quilt. It was gorgeous and must have taken a long time. I never sent her a thank you card. As Stefanie Tanner would say, 'how rude'.
I would like to think that since then, I have been much better. Well, until now. I figure that if people who get married have a year to send thank you cards, a disease buys me at least have 6 months.
Thanks to those of you who have sent presents, cards, and love. They mean the world to me. You make my Lyme sky blue. And I promise those thank you cards will get to you one day soon.
Heading in for an MRI and EKG this week. Like how I just casually drop that at the end? Me too.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Sprung a leak
I give myself multiple shots in my stomach, thigh, and ass. My stomach offered the most retail space, but after 3 months I need new real estate.
Every so often I hit a vein or a vessel during a shot and there is some blood. Apparently it should only happen 1 out of 100 times. This is just another testament to my high level of luck. I usually get blood 1 out of 5 times.
These leaks have all been manageable Not today. I was laying on my stomach giving myself a shot in my ass. This shot has to be administered over 2 minutes. Then you must pull the needle out slowly and gradually. I didn't feel the blood running over my hip onto the blanket. By the time the bandaid was open it was too late.
Guess my parents should have asked for a security deposit.
Every so often I hit a vein or a vessel during a shot and there is some blood. Apparently it should only happen 1 out of 100 times. This is just another testament to my high level of luck. I usually get blood 1 out of 5 times.
These leaks have all been manageable Not today. I was laying on my stomach giving myself a shot in my ass. This shot has to be administered over 2 minutes. Then you must pull the needle out slowly and gradually. I didn't feel the blood running over my hip onto the blanket. By the time the bandaid was open it was too late.
Guess my parents should have asked for a security deposit.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Why doctors should take social work classes
This week I have spent a lot of time with doctors. Hence fewer posts. My aunt once told me she knows when I am sick: I am quiet. She was validated in that statement since I proceeded to jump out of her car and puke profusely.
Here are some of the top comments to support my suggestion:
1. Are you suicidal? No, should I be?
Listen doc, lets ease into this question. Perhaps start with the depression scale. Ask me the 8 indicators to deduce if indeed I am depressed. If so, lets then move on to questions such as: do you have thoughts of harming yourself. If so, then follow it up with asking if I have a way to accomplish such a task.
That question made me feel like I am so sick I should be suicidal. So thanks for that.
2. Wow, that can't be right - lets re-do that test. No, I guess it was right. Wow.
Keep that shit to yourself. It doesn't put me at ease. Which is the goal in case you forgot. Try lying. How hard is it to give me a quick - shoot I lost count? Or simply don't say anything.
3. Try not to make your O face when you get jonzed that I have a perplexing disease ravaging my body.
I watch Grey's Anatomy - I get it. This is what you live for. You are used to seeing the common cold. But today you got to bust out the Echo test and put sticky things all over my body. Sorry, the test came back normal. Next time try not to be visibly sad.
You're Welcome.
Here are some of the top comments to support my suggestion:
1. Are you suicidal? No, should I be?
Listen doc, lets ease into this question. Perhaps start with the depression scale. Ask me the 8 indicators to deduce if indeed I am depressed. If so, lets then move on to questions such as: do you have thoughts of harming yourself. If so, then follow it up with asking if I have a way to accomplish such a task.
That question made me feel like I am so sick I should be suicidal. So thanks for that.
2. Wow, that can't be right - lets re-do that test. No, I guess it was right. Wow.
Keep that shit to yourself. It doesn't put me at ease. Which is the goal in case you forgot. Try lying. How hard is it to give me a quick - shoot I lost count? Or simply don't say anything.
3. Try not to make your O face when you get jonzed that I have a perplexing disease ravaging my body.
I watch Grey's Anatomy - I get it. This is what you live for. You are used to seeing the common cold. But today you got to bust out the Echo test and put sticky things all over my body. Sorry, the test came back normal. Next time try not to be visibly sad.
You're Welcome.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Self-care and diva spirits
Being around good people is one way to instantly lift my spirits. Since I have been home I have had family and friends come over almost every day. Granted I'm not the wonderful company I typically am, I still try to hold my own. I am so very thankful for my visitors, but I am only able to last for about an hour. Thats what she said.
Shopping instantly lifts my diva spirits. My favorite store EVER is Clothes Mentor. I see no reason to pay full price for anything. Ever. This past Christmas I was only home for a few days. Of course there was a blizzard on my last day to get to the store. My mom and I showed up as they were closing the store due to weather. I literally begged them to let me shop. They did, which furthered my love for them.
Everyone tells me I need to stay positive. Fine. But in order to do that I need one self-care activity a week. Last week was people so this week was shopping. I was instantly drawn to these beautiful pumps (for $15!). I also snagged a trench coat for $10. Everyone needs a good trench coat :) I snagged a Banana Republic chambray shirt for $12. Once in junior high I wore a chambray shirt over top of a turtle neck. I am glad they are making a comeback; however, this time I think I will opt to pair it with high waisted shorts.
I may have to roll over and inject a needle into my ass today, but one day I am going to fiercely rock my new outfits. And that, dear friends, is going to be a sight to see.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Separate but not really equal
There should be a separate pharmacy for people with out children.
Similar to people who choose to have animals, I am happy for those of you who have children. They deserve love. They deserve food, And they deserve not to die accidentally. It is good that your medicine is a pain in the ass to open. Your children are safe. That is important.
I on the other hand don't have any little people in my home. Why should I have to water board my pill bottles to get the mother f*** open? Pharmacies should have two types of bottles, one for those who procreate and one for those who do not.
Lets not be crazy, of course I will sign a waiver releasing the pharmacy from damages. After all if you bring your kid to my apartment you have already taken a risk.
This is clearly just one more way that the government is trampling on my non-procreating rights. I hope this post doesn't get my IRS records flagged.
Similar to people who choose to have animals, I am happy for those of you who have children. They deserve love. They deserve food, And they deserve not to die accidentally. It is good that your medicine is a pain in the ass to open. Your children are safe. That is important.
I on the other hand don't have any little people in my home. Why should I have to water board my pill bottles to get the mother f*** open? Pharmacies should have two types of bottles, one for those who procreate and one for those who do not.
Lets not be crazy, of course I will sign a waiver releasing the pharmacy from damages. After all if you bring your kid to my apartment you have already taken a risk.
This is clearly just one more way that the government is trampling on my non-procreating rights. I hope this post doesn't get my IRS records flagged.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Opening a lid and the fall of feminism
I used to make homemade smoothies for myself. Frugal to the core. Upon getting sick I had to stop that. That whole passing out if I stand up for too long thing.
I caved and bought the fancy natural organic smoothies. Brought them home. Couldn't open the mother f*** lid (I was programmed talk like a sailor). Now for most people this wouldn't cause them to throw something on the floor. But I take great pride in being able to do things for myself.
I am a feminist. I open my own damn lids. That evening a friend was coming over to visit. Of course it was a guy. I couldn't even look at him. I reminded him that if a disease wasn't ravaging my body I sure as hell could open that lid. By any means necessary. But I would appreciate it if he would open the lid. I reminded him, as he smiled from ear to ear, that it pained me to ask him this.
He opened it in one try.
That was the day feminism died.
The smoothie tasted bitter. Oh wait, that was me.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Opinions are like ass holes
For the past 3 months I have blindly trusted my doctor. I wasn't ready for anything else. There were a few people who couldn't understand that. It's not that I thought my doctor was the best. More so that I was still working, alone in a new city, attempting to cope with the realization I was sick, and the debilitating fear of adding something else to my plate.
After being at my parents for a week I am finally ready to consider a second opinion. I hate having a disease that has NO course of treatment. Hate it. I trusted my doctor because I needed to. The majority of doctors in this country don't believe my disease is real. Finding one that does believe me was the first hurdle. I am now ready to get a second opinon on if this treatment is actually going to help.
Initially I told myself that if I stopped working the treatment would work. I still hope for that. But the practical and intelligent part of me is coming back to life. It is time to accept the fact that I have been sick for almost half a year and show no signs of improving.
Who do I believe? Who do I trust to care for me so that I don't develop seizures? What doctor is telling the truth? I don't have answers. But I have a renewed sense of finding these answers. Hell hath no fury like a woman debilitated by a disease!
If you know of anyone with Lyme disease who has gotten better I would love their doctors information. I am officially ready.
After being at my parents for a week I am finally ready to consider a second opinion. I hate having a disease that has NO course of treatment. Hate it. I trusted my doctor because I needed to. The majority of doctors in this country don't believe my disease is real. Finding one that does believe me was the first hurdle. I am now ready to get a second opinon on if this treatment is actually going to help.
Initially I told myself that if I stopped working the treatment would work. I still hope for that. But the practical and intelligent part of me is coming back to life. It is time to accept the fact that I have been sick for almost half a year and show no signs of improving.
Who do I believe? Who do I trust to care for me so that I don't develop seizures? What doctor is telling the truth? I don't have answers. But I have a renewed sense of finding these answers. Hell hath no fury like a woman debilitated by a disease!
If you know of anyone with Lyme disease who has gotten better I would love their doctors information. I am officially ready.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
The skinniest fat girl
As I sat across from the doctor saying I lost 6 pounds in 3 weeks he blankly stared at me with a 'so what' look. Sometimes I think going to the doctor is very similar to a bad date.
Did my doctor just call me fat? No, of course not. But he did imply it wouldn't hurt me to drop a few pounds. Keep in mind he is about 6'3 and 150. He asked me what my healthy weight was. Isn't that what I pay him to tell me?
Once during finals in grad school I was drinking a giant fountain pop and eating a panini in the library. A then friend of mine came over and said 'Oh my gosh - do you know how many calories are in that? You shouldn't eat that'
My response was less than classy: 'Bitch please - I have 5 BMI points till I am overweight.' I may or may not have added in, 'You on the other hand....' Don't give it out if you aren't ready to take it. Fact.
Besides my doctor here are the top three events that are making me feel like the skinniest fat girl:
1. I officially made a dent in my couch.
2. My physical therapist told me she is training me as if I was an obese person working out for the first time.
3. I get winded and have chest pains when walking up stairs.
Did my doctor just call me fat? No, of course not. But he did imply it wouldn't hurt me to drop a few pounds. Keep in mind he is about 6'3 and 150. He asked me what my healthy weight was. Isn't that what I pay him to tell me?
Once during finals in grad school I was drinking a giant fountain pop and eating a panini in the library. A then friend of mine came over and said 'Oh my gosh - do you know how many calories are in that? You shouldn't eat that'
My response was less than classy: 'Bitch please - I have 5 BMI points till I am overweight.' I may or may not have added in, 'You on the other hand....' Don't give it out if you aren't ready to take it. Fact.
Besides my doctor here are the top three events that are making me feel like the skinniest fat girl:
1. I officially made a dent in my couch.
2. My physical therapist told me she is training me as if I was an obese person working out for the first time.
3. I get winded and have chest pains when walking up stairs.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
You know what happened to the last person who moved in with mom and dad
She died.
That is what my brother reminded me of the other day. He was referring to my grandmother. May she rest in peace.
We don't sugar coat things in my family.
I have now been home for almost a week. The days have been rough. Traveling made the past few days some of the most painful I have had. What does that mean? It takes about an hour for me to be able to move my fingers in the morning. It feels as if an elephant is sitting on my chest and someone is taking an axe to my back. I haven't felt my toes for days. Headaches have made lights painful. Night sweats have made sleeping impossible.
The boring list goes on an on. BUT I will pull through tonight because:
1. Season finale of SURVIVOR!
2. My entire family was together this weekend. There is something about getting hugs and kisses from your nieces and nephew to lift a gals spirits.
3. Two kids ran down the street with guns right now is making me smile....ah small town liven!
That is what my brother reminded me of the other day. He was referring to my grandmother. May she rest in peace.
We don't sugar coat things in my family.
I have now been home for almost a week. The days have been rough. Traveling made the past few days some of the most painful I have had. What does that mean? It takes about an hour for me to be able to move my fingers in the morning. It feels as if an elephant is sitting on my chest and someone is taking an axe to my back. I haven't felt my toes for days. Headaches have made lights painful. Night sweats have made sleeping impossible.
The boring list goes on an on. BUT I will pull through tonight because:
1. Season finale of SURVIVOR!
2. My entire family was together this weekend. There is something about getting hugs and kisses from your nieces and nephew to lift a gals spirits.
3. Two kids ran down the street with guns right now is making me smile....ah small town liven!
Friday, May 10, 2013
Animals, and other things I dislike
I don’t like animals.
I want them to be healthy, happy, and loved. But I do not want to be the person who does
it. There are no major life tragedies
that have made me this way. I am not
afraid of animals. I would just prefer them
never to be in my personal space. Which
is how I feel about a lot of people. No,
I am not autistic. My mom teaches
special education. Trust and believe I
have been tested.
Judge all you would like.
I know this is a deal breaker. I
tell each guy on the first date, or at least by the third. My students loved to joke about this. They drew cats on the white board in my class constantly. In fact when telling them I was sick – I said
it wasn’t serious I just wanted to move in with my parents to be closer to
animals.
My parents have a dog, Duke.
He is brown. My brother has a
dog, Bear. He is a Rottweiler. My brother loves his dog more than me. Duke is a new dog so I still reign supreme.
Since moving out 10 years ago I have made no effort with the
family animals. I was only ever around
for a week at a time. This stay is
different.
Today, I pet Bear.
Then he licked me so that experiment ended abruptly. Yesterday, I pet Duke. Today he dropped chewed up paper on me. I yelled at him and told him his breathe
smelled like ass. Which is true since he
insists on stuffing his nose in everyone’s ass.
As with any relationship it takes time to adjust. But for the first time in my adult life I am
making an effort to live in harmony with animals. Maybe I'm dying?
Also, ‘Saunaing with Sadie’ is going to become a regular
feature! If you have a question or issue
you would like me to discuss from the sauna leave it in the comment section
below.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
I have never been more unattractive naked
I made it 20 minutes. Decided I was a badass. Then the universe put me in my place. Luckily I managed to get to the floor before gravity took me there.
My mom and I will continue to work on our movie production skills.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Dear Delta
I was very anxious to fly home. I initially didn't want to go home because I
knew the flight would be so taxing that it would worsen my symptoms.
Thank you, Delta, for easing my travel woes. Loosing the wheelchair reservation at our arrival
made me confidant that the rest of the journey would be a breeze. When the individual pushing my wheel chair
decided my trip was finished, I felt at
peace. Being separated from my mom only
to end up crying and limping to the bathroom as the nausea overtook me brought
me great joy.
When the wheelchair wasn’t at the gate for our layover, I
knew it be smooth sailing. After all
there were only 6 other disabled individuals waiting to be whisked away to miss
their flights.
The cart driver informed
me I had to walk the about a quarter of a mile because the cart couldn't access my terminal. Dare I say that Terminal A
in Minneapolis wasn't ADA compliant?
Never.
The trip ended as smoothly as it began. At our destination there was once again no
transport.
Thank you, Delta. I
hope that all disabled people will pick you as their airline of choice.
Sincerely,
Bitter Sarcasm
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Swag
True swag is looking like this and still being asked out by the man next to you on the airplane.
#Fierce
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Lyme-over
Thanks for the birthday wishes, balloons, cards, and company!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Vision, Hopes, and Reality
A friend of mine was big into the whole 'vision board' thing, and this year I decided to give it a go. No, I didn't put 'contract a debilitating disease' on the vision board. Out of the 9 things I did envision I have done 3. Not bad, disease and all.
I like thinking ahead and planning. But on certain occasions I like to look back. My birthday is one of those occasions. I don't know when it began, but I have a huge (unrealistic) love for birthdays. It is a personal day to think about the past year - what went well - hear from people you haven't heard from in a while - celebrations - dancing - gifts - friends - family. It is your own personal holiday. A day to feel special. A day to be over the top.
I enjoy being over the top. I unapologetically love balloons. I wear opera gloves. Last year I put together a great outfit. So great a man left a restaurant and came outside as I was walking by to say I was rocken it. Now I am resigned to yoga pants and slippers.... Being sick for 5 months out of the past year has altered how I reflect on this past year. But it also has altered how I am physically able to celebrate my birthday.
This birthday isn't what I planned or particularly wanted, but not even Lyme disease can ruin my love for birthdays. Today I reflect. Tomorrow I will get gussied up and pretend like I am not sick. Throw the yoga pants away. Find my high heals. Gather around a table with friends. And apparently if you cry in your doctors office you may weasel your Lyme diseased way into a birthday glass of champagne!
Cheers!
I like thinking ahead and planning. But on certain occasions I like to look back. My birthday is one of those occasions. I don't know when it began, but I have a huge (unrealistic) love for birthdays. It is a personal day to think about the past year - what went well - hear from people you haven't heard from in a while - celebrations - dancing - gifts - friends - family. It is your own personal holiday. A day to feel special. A day to be over the top.
I enjoy being over the top. I unapologetically love balloons. I wear opera gloves. Last year I put together a great outfit. So great a man left a restaurant and came outside as I was walking by to say I was rocken it. Now I am resigned to yoga pants and slippers.... Being sick for 5 months out of the past year has altered how I reflect on this past year. But it also has altered how I am physically able to celebrate my birthday.
This birthday isn't what I planned or particularly wanted, but not even Lyme disease can ruin my love for birthdays. Today I reflect. Tomorrow I will get gussied up and pretend like I am not sick. Throw the yoga pants away. Find my high heals. Gather around a table with friends. And apparently if you cry in your doctors office you may weasel your Lyme diseased way into a birthday glass of champagne!
Cheers!
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
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