Acceptance

Right around a month into my treatment I started dry heaving, which is the universes way of reminding you that it is in control.  On that day I sunk into the bathroom floor sweating and crying from pain in between dry heaving only to get up to give myself shots in my stomach, thigh, and ass.  The next day I finally realized I needed to address pain management.

Today the chest pains began.  I was worried, but I knew it wasn't a heart attack.  This is what I am basing that statement on:
In grad school there was a lecture concerning women and heart disease.  The speaker asked the class the number one reason women don't go to the hospital when having a heart attack.  A guy in my class raised his hand and said, 'because the women aren't wearing makeup.'  Yes, the guy who said that, was the guy I was dating.  Thanks for asking.  Anyways, that speaker also talked about how women experience heart attacks differently from men, aka not chest pains (more back and neck pain).

My doctor agreed with me.  Not on my reasoning, but that it doesn't sound like a heart problem.  Instead I have inflamed cartilage on my chest wall.  This week at work is really difficult.  Yes, I can accept that I am sick, but I can't accept leaving work with out a plan - compromise.  So I am still working for 2 weeks before going home.

This week I am teaching and the students don't know I am as sick as I am.  I have worked since I was 15.  I love working.  I believe in what I do and I want to do the best damn job I can, and it pains me to realize I can't do that anymore.  I know its not forever, and I know my students will go on with out me.  But I wanted to walk with them.  I don't like feeling like I haven't contributed anything to society.

Acceptance is challenging.