Die Off

It is a perplexing term to me.  Today I had to call out sick because the pain and nausea were completely debilitating.  Call me crazy but I don't feel comfortable driving a car when I can't walk to the kitchen without everything going black and me having to sit down before I fall down.  My mother made me call the doctor.  His reply was that this is die off.

Out with the old, in with the new.  Let your old self die and be reborn in (insert religious figure).  Stop X behavior to become a better person.  There seems to be a theory out there that something or some part of us has to die for us to get better.  It is never portrayed as an easy thing, but a necessary thing all the same.

I liked what was inside of me.  I personally didn't think I had anything to die off.  I am sure there is a long list of people who disagree with that, but not me - I liked myself.  I liked who I was and what my body could do.  I felt strong.  I felt capable.  Now those feelings are dying off.  I am resilient and will overcome this - yatta yatta yatta - but this die off wasn't a choice.  This is the opposite.  This disease takes something good and makes it bad.

There are pictures going around of all the people in Boston who helped in a time of great fear and tragedy.  The women of WOZA filed a petition asking not to be beaten when peacefully protesting.  A lesbian woman in South Africa was beaten, raped, and murder for no other reason than who she is attracted to.  There is a lot of bad out there.  A lot of bad.  These people are why I fight.  These people are dedicated to making this place better, even when things are horrible.

So before I self-administer a 3 inch needle into my butt cheek - I will think of these people.  Die off is horrible, but perspective is helpful.  Especially on days like today.