Every character trait is subject to the eye of the beholder: laid back or lazy, planner or anal, kind or nieve. The hope is we find a beholder that sees the positive side of our traits.
In an effort to convey how sick I was my doctor told me, 'One thing - you get to do one thing a day'. It has taken me 2 months to finally accept that until I only do 'one thing' I will not get better. Initially I figured that the 'one thing' was cleaning my apartment, verses doing the dishes.
As I have gotten sicker I am now realizing that my 'one thing' is really 'one thing'. If I do my dishes that is it for me for the day. I haven't gone to the grocery store in over a month. I haven't cooked any meals that can't be made in the span of 3 minutes. Chopping up fruit for a smoothie was abandoned about a month ago.
If I can only do one thing a day that means there are a ton of daily life items that I can't do. I'm not a 'can't do' gal myself. Lyme disease for a gal like myself is the bitch slap heard round the world.
It didn't take a disease for me to realize I am horrible at asking for help. Nor did I need to get sick to realize I am independent and like to control situations. I am a trained social worker - and a good one at that. I know these things about myself, and have a list of ex-boyfriends for reference. I am not a damsel in distress. When I get knocked down I pick myself up. This isn't my first dance at the 'life sucks' rodeo. I am a platinum member at the school of hard knocks.
But Lyme disease doesn't let me be me. I can't take care of myself anymore. I am no longer physically able to live by myself. I have begun losing weight because I just can't cook myself food. My apartment is beginning to have a distinct odor. And my personal appearance is beginning to take a hit.
Tomorrow is my final day of work. I had to pause for a few minutes after typing that. It is one of many signs that I have to put my independence on the shelf. I can't control this situation, but I can trust that one day in the near future I will get my independence back. And it's gonna be one hell of a party.
No comments:
Post a Comment